i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
