So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
