shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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