that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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