the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
