8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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