why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
