We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
