Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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