No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
