we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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