Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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