why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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