I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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