I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
