I just threw up on my dentist
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
