Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
