Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
