I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
