My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
