I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
