you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
