Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
