i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
