Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
