I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
