Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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