wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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