Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
