In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
