I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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