I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
