The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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