I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
