so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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