Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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