I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
