hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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