Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
