apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
