By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
