It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
