I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
