dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
