The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
