Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
