Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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