I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
