She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
