If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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