Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
